Eat Your Heart Out Munchkin Coroner!

Growing up one of my favorite sounds to hear around the house was my father singing. Whether he stuck with the original lyrics or switched them up to describe what he was doing at the time, didn’t matter. It was a comforting sound I hoped to someday fill my own home with.

Fortunately the inspiration to break into song at any moment for any reason comes easily to me. In fact, I rarely ever speak to Lily without singing when we’re alone. I can only hope she will someday be as comforted by my voice as I was by my dad's. So far, it’s no going so good…

I had just finished the second verse in Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead and was especially impressed with my “munchkin voice” that morning. My favorite part was coming up and I felt confident enough to really give it my all! I lost myself in song…

 “…NOT ONLY IS SHE MERELY DEAD SHE’SSS REEALLLY MOST

SINCERRRELY DEAAAADD!!!”

My munchkin land crumbled around me when I heard Lily gasp from the bedroom “Gahuuu!!”  I had torn her from her sleep with the fear that a group of fallen munchkins had broken into our home.

I rushed into the dark bedroom “It’s just me pumpkin!”

“You scare me when you sing!!!” She cried

“….I’LL GET YOU MY PRETTYYYYY!”

Break A Sweat

I had just decided to treat my colon to a Valentines Day cleanse when I thought to myself “Hold on! Valentines Day is a holiday fabricated by The Man to make even more money, and I don’t hang with him!" I love my colon everyday and shouldn’t be afraid to show it. I went straight to GNC and bought every fiber infused product my dear cousin Zach pushed on me as well as an all natural calorie burner (w/out a discount I might add!)

 My Lichi calorie burner causes my pits and palms to sweat while sending a cold chill through my body. Physically I’m exploding with the energy of a seasoned break dancer while my brain and eyes struggle to stay awake. I can’t focus or concentrate. My emotional state is on a constant roller coaster of euphoria and uncontrolled, anxious laughter. I have a strong desire to wear nothing but active wear and I’m peeing fluorescence. There’s obviously something special about this pill and I'm hooked after just one dose!

Next up on Somebody's Mother: Will Jessica kick her pill habit or finally join her local break dance team?  

I Don't Ask For Much

26 has led to a lot of firsts for me. The most important being that I’ve finally imagined my very own “Dream Guy”! Being too picky can lead to heart ache and loneliness but I’m confident I won’t have to hold out long before finding this one.

My dream guy…or dream MAN will have the build of a husky lumbar jack with a full but short, well kept beard. Preferably red or any shade of medium to dark brown.

He will wear red flannel and winter caps daily, with suspenders on occasion. He’ll eat mostly breakfast meat dipped in maple syrup and say things like “Do something to treat yourself will ya!” and “Why don’t you take a couple hundred from the sock drawer” while waving his linked sausage at me in an authorative manner.

He’ll rub my feet (with my socks on!) and slap my ass before leaving a room. He’ll listen to The Blues and Jazz and play something real sexy like the saxophone.

He will have a dog he would put his life on the line for (jumping into the dangerously rocky waters of a river to save “his boy” from the tree limb he climbed onto after falling in up stream a ways) and nurse birds back to health.

He will have just the right amount of chest hair and a voice so deep and soulful it makes you weep.

…Or he will be Lil Wayne.