The Good, The Bad and The "Pretty Ugly"

I recently overcame a battle with possible melanoma. I came across a spot on my back that was smaller than a pencil eraser, looked like a freckle but numb to the touch, and felt like a scab. Classic melanoma symptoms, according to Web MD.

Once I got over the initial shock of having skin cancer, I decided I needed to take action right away if I was going to beat this. I made an appointment with a local dermatologist to go over our plan of action.

“There’s good news and bad news,” The Dermatologist told me.

“The good news is it’s benign. The bad news- You will most likely get more as you age and those things can get pretty ugly!” My elation quickly dissipated.

“I once had a patient who had one on his knee- bigger than your fist and blacker than your pants!” he continued.

Although, I appreciate how candid he was being, I could no longer fully appreciate not having cancer.

“yeesh- that might be worse!” I said.  I had come to terms with cancer and the road I thought I was about to travel. I had no idea how ‘pretty ugly’ things could get. What will my 40’s and 50’s have in store for me? A few more harmless “freckles” like this one or a black gourd sized growth hanging from my chin?

Now I’m not normally so superficial but being out of harm’s way can leave room for the insignificant to matter, again. Immediately. Goodbye to the promises of becoming a better person! Sayonara to living a healthy stress free life! I just beat self-diagnosed melanoma and now it’s time to start preparing for just how ugly things might get!

Eat Your Heart Out Munchkin Coroner!

Growing up one of my favorite sounds to hear around the house was my father singing. Whether he stuck with the original lyrics or switched them up to describe what he was doing at the time, didn’t matter. It was a comforting sound I hoped to someday fill my own home with.

Fortunately the inspiration to break into song at any moment for any reason comes easily to me. In fact, I rarely ever speak to Lily without singing when we’re alone. I can only hope she will someday be as comforted by my voice as I was by my dad's. So far, it’s no going so good…

I had just finished the second verse in Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead and was especially impressed with my “munchkin voice” that morning. My favorite part was coming up and I felt confident enough to really give it my all! I lost myself in song…

 “…NOT ONLY IS SHE MERELY DEAD SHE’SSS REEALLLY MOST

SINCERRRELY DEAAAADD!!!”

My munchkin land crumbled around me when I heard Lily gasp from the bedroom “Gahuuu!!”  I had torn her from her sleep with the fear that a group of fallen munchkins had broken into our home.

I rushed into the dark bedroom “It’s just me pumpkin!”

“You scare me when you sing!!!” She cried

“….I’LL GET YOU MY PRETTYYYYY!”

Break A Sweat

I had just decided to treat my colon to a Valentines Day cleanse when I thought to myself “Hold on! Valentines Day is a holiday fabricated by The Man to make even more money, and I don’t hang with him!" I love my colon everyday and shouldn’t be afraid to show it. I went straight to GNC and bought every fiber infused product my dear cousin Zach pushed on me as well as an all natural calorie burner (w/out a discount I might add!)

 My Lichi calorie burner causes my pits and palms to sweat while sending a cold chill through my body. Physically I’m exploding with the energy of a seasoned break dancer while my brain and eyes struggle to stay awake. I can’t focus or concentrate. My emotional state is on a constant roller coaster of euphoria and uncontrolled, anxious laughter. I have a strong desire to wear nothing but active wear and I’m peeing fluorescence. There’s obviously something special about this pill and I'm hooked after just one dose!

Next up on Somebody's Mother: Will Jessica kick her pill habit or finally join her local break dance team?  

I Don't Ask For Much

26 has led to a lot of firsts for me. The most important being that I’ve finally imagined my very own “Dream Guy”! Being too picky can lead to heart ache and loneliness but I’m confident I won’t have to hold out long before finding this one.

My dream guy…or dream MAN will have the build of a husky lumbar jack with a full but short, well kept beard. Preferably red or any shade of medium to dark brown.

He will wear red flannel and winter caps daily, with suspenders on occasion. He’ll eat mostly breakfast meat dipped in maple syrup and say things like “Do something to treat yourself will ya!” and “Why don’t you take a couple hundred from the sock drawer” while waving his linked sausage at me in an authorative manner.

He’ll rub my feet (with my socks on!) and slap my ass before leaving a room. He’ll listen to The Blues and Jazz and play something real sexy like the saxophone.

He will have a dog he would put his life on the line for (jumping into the dangerously rocky waters of a river to save “his boy” from the tree limb he climbed onto after falling in up stream a ways) and nurse birds back to health.

He will have just the right amount of chest hair and a voice so deep and soulful it makes you weep.

…Or he will be Lil Wayne.

Lies I've Told: Part 1

*Junior year I brought my little sister to her first High School party; where I proceeded to tell everyone that she used to collect kittens in a pillow case, hang them over a tree branch and use them as a pinata when she was bored.

*In middle school I asked my parents if my very best friend, Savannah, could sleep over. They said yes naturally. However, when she arrived I stopped her at the door and explained "Hey, my parents really said you couldn't sleep over but I'm just going to sneak you into my bedroom" to which she understandable responded "WHAT!?? Why are you doing this!???" I told her I didn't care what those "SOB's" had to say and guided her carefully down the hall. When we got to the living room doorway I asked her to, on my signal, leap into my bed room. We were to time this as I was walking by to shield her from my parents view. Immediately after completing the ridiculous mission...I came clean.

*I used to date a psychopath. When I was finished and felt the increasing need to separate myself from him I gave him the only logical explanation I could come up with (also the only reason I thought he may be the slightest bit accepting of): "I'm in love with Savannah."
(side note: Savannah was very surprised to hear about it...3 years later)

*DMX is my dad

* More recently I convinced my very paranoid cousin that the cramps and pressure she was feeling in her "bum" were classic symptoms of "Anal Labor". A condition where "the baby actually enters the colon and is delivered through the anus."

*And even more recently I sent the following text to her just as paranoid brother:
"Hey just making sure you're alright. There's a guy going around raping all GNC employee's. Hope you're not working tonight..."
to which he responded:
"quick question. What possesses you to say such ridiculous things?"
I guess I underestimated him....looks like someone grew up...

When Life Gives You Lemons…Pass Them To Your Children

Normally I wouldn’t ask a 4-year-old if the increasing visibility of the veins in my hand were something to worry about, however, this morning the issue seemed pressing and she was the only one around.

“ahhhhh-hah..wellum……….…haha….you ARE worried” She said…obviously confused by the question.

“But SHOULD I be? Would you be worried?”  

“No. uhhh….....uh-oh… I have the same thing!”

Oops…

Her day didn’t get any better when I found her standing at the refrigerator eating a stick of butter.

“What are you doing!? Butter will clog your arteries! You could have a heart attack and DIE!!!”

“…but only old people?”

“Old people….and little girls who eat sticks of butter!”

I was slapped back to reality when she slowly placed the butter back in the refrigerator, walked to an end table in the living room and fidgeted quietly with her fingers. I couldn’t believe what I just told her.

“Heyyy…guess what...” I said while cautiously approaching her “…You can’t have a heart attack!” Surprise!

“YOU WERE TRICKING ME!??” She screamed in relieved laughter

“Yes, a trick! That’s all! Just a trick! I’m so sorry!! Here… let’s have some butter..”

Parenting is hard…

Fruits of My Labor

As I watched myself, performing fellatio on a banana, in the rearview mirror this morning, I realized two very important things:

1.            I need to put some serious distance between me and the mirror

               And

2.            Lily is in the back seat.

The things I do out of boredom are beginning to get scary! Worried she might have seen and formed some strange banana complex, I decided to feel the situation out.

“So……did you see any squirrels today?”

“What Mom? Hey did you know that used to be a mill building and they gutted it out and I went there with you to get ice cream and ride in the elevator!!?”

Phew!